I’ve had a whole lot of hesitancy show up in my life lately. I started writing this blog as a means of exorcising some bad juju and attempting to rid myself of some of the bitterness that I still haven’t been able to completely let go.
Instead I’ve found that writing/thinking about the ex- and all the accompanying baggage- has had the uncomfortable side-effect of causing me to dream about him. A lot.
I know enough about how the brain works to understand that the dreams are the subconscious’ way of working things through. I get that. But the dreams have disturbed me to a distressing degree. I get up in the morning feeling truly haunted by spectre of my ex. Not that I have any fears about his physical presence in my life- as I’ve said, he has no clue where I live or interest in finding me- but the scars he helped to form, and the reactions that became ingrained over the too-long years I spent with him, seem extremely close to the surface right now.
He’s there in everything I do lately. I bought a few new outfits in the after-holiday sales- with gifts cards received from those people who love me, yet find me inexplicably hard to buy for. Every piece was subconsciously vetted by comparing it to something I would/wouldn’t have bought when I was with him.
I’m not a huge shopper these days (the result of something of a shopping addiction that arose out of my co-dependence with his alcoholism), but I have my own style- developed over the years I’ve been on this earth- and I’m comfortable with how I look (in clothes or out of them)- for the most part, anyway. But when trying things on, the voice in my head was his- asking if I didn’t think it was time to get back to the gym/pool a little more regularly. Or the visual of one of the items on The List* that stated that I ‘had gained weight, but I still looked good’.
I can’t stand the fact that I still hear his voice. I’d rather not hear him anywhere, but certainly not when I am attempting to do something that brings me a bit of joy- like choosing a very few items and thinking about the friends who cared enough to provide me with the wherewithal to do so.
He has been in the forefront of my mind too much lately- to the extent that I’ve caught myself referring to my current partner by the ex’s name. More than once. Usually just in my head, but once when speaking with a close friend- who caught the slip and looked at me somewhat askance, since the two are nothing alike.
I don’t tend to be remotely superstitious, but I’m starting to feel as though thinking about him- even for the purposes of working through some of the residual feelings- is somehow ‘calling him up’ and bringing him too close for my comfort. I’m thinking this is likely part of the whole process. I wish it wasn’t.
*The List? You ask. Ah. A little pro-con prompt that he wrote to help decide whether or not his latest fling was worth ending things with me. It was the ‘good’ (read: easy) things he felt favoured continuing to ‘put up’ with me versus the ‘bad’ things that I caused/did/was that inclined him to serially cheat/finally leave. He works with computers, yet he left this list on a USB stick that he gave me to transfer photos of our family onto my computer (along with some of the naked pics of his junk that he was sending to those ‘ladies’ he was meeting on the cheaters’ hook-up sites… but that’s another story). They say that cheaters eventually WANT to get caught, but this piece of ‘evidence’ hit ME where I lived. Still recovering from it. I’m sure more of the pros/cons will show up here over time. I’m still working out how to handle some of the ‘revelations’…